For the past few months I have been working on processing through my grief. Let me clarify. I have everything a woman could ask for, a loving husband and four happy healthy children. I’m also a woman who had a life long dream of having a daughter. I’ve been told that it’s OKAY to grieve her. It’s OKAY to feel sad. I have been grieving. I have been sad. Throughout all this, I’m certain I have said things I shouldn’t have. To unsuspecting, loving people in my life for whatever reason ended up on the receiving end of an outburst, or four. I want to apologize for what I said when I was grieving. I know I don’t have to apologize. I know you’re understanding and kind, but still, no one likes to be on the receiving end of a grieving outburst. Unfortunately, it wasn’t just the people that I love I was unkind to. Strangers too. Unsuspecting strangers who will never know the things I said about them in my head when I passed them in the store. I cursed them. I was so angry at them. They don’t deserve a daughter, I do. They don’t dress her like I would. They don’t do her hair like I would. They don’t deserve her. I’m sorry. God knows I really didn’t mean those things. He knows me. He knows that in all my anger and frustration I did what I felt I could do to release it. God knows my heart.

I am still processing these feelings and I might be for a while. It gets easier every day. Or does it get harder? Sometimes I’m not sure. What I am sure of is that these four boys have my heart and that will never change. I love them with everything.

Here’s the thing though.There’s a little girl out there who I dreamt of. I love her too. I’m sad that I didn’t get a chance to be her mom. Or will I? A part of me still holds out hope that maybe God does have a plan for my daughter and I. Someday maybe I’ll be able to look back and see the plan God had laid out for me. As for now, let me apologize for the things I think while I’m grieving.