Finally, our baby has arrived! So many things I had feelings about came true with this baby. The labor was fast and furious. My first time giving birth without an epidural. It wasn’t fun but it also wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. I had a feeling this might happen so I had tried to prepare myself ahead of time. The cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck twice. The doctor removed it quickly and the baby was just fine. What’s interesting is that I had a feeling about this. I even mentioned it to my doctor a few weeks before the baby came. I was worried about the cord, which I had never worried about in my previous pregnancies. Then, the moment I had been waiting for, when my doctor flipped the baby over and called out “It’s a BOY!” That moment, I was shocked. I’m not sure I was fully processing those words. There was a slight complication and I was bleeding a little more than I should. So I was rushed off to a procedure to help the bleeding stop. When I was brought back to the delivery room, my husband and mother were waiting with my new son. My fourth son. My brand new baby, in a blue blanket.

Do I love him any less? No. Do I kiss him any less? No. In fact I think I’ve kissed him more than I’ve ever kissed my babies. We aren’t planning any more babies. A family of six is what I always wanted. Four kids, a fun childhood where everyone has a buddy to play with and a big loving family. It’s just that I never imagined that my four children would all be boys.  I actually imagined mostly girls with maybe one or two boys. So when I look at my new son, he makes me want to cry. Cry because it’s the last newborn I’ll snuggle to my breast to nurse. The last newborn diapers. Cry because I won’t have a little girl who looks like me. Cry because every baby in my life has turned out amazing and beautiful and perfect, just not exactly like I had pictured them. There aren’t any pink blankets. Just blue ones. I know that this is the way it was suppose to be. I know that boy or girl it doesn’t really matter. I know that eventually this will all make sense. But right now, I’m going to cry and I’m going to grieve.