I’ll admit it. It’s been a while since I blogged. I felt like I needed to sit down and write a series of catch up blogs about what’s been happening since I last wrote. But I was reminded that it’s just a blog. A place to write your honest feelings down. So here goes…

We’re 30 weeks pregnant with baby #4. We don’t know the gender. I’m too afraid to find out. I always wanted a little girl or two or three to dress up and play barbies and teach all about being a girly girl. When we found out our 3rd child was another boy, I cried. I cried all the time. I cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t think we’d have more children and I mourned the loss of my little girl dream. When they placed my third son in my arms, I cried. I cried because he was so beautiful and perfect and mine. I love him with all my heart. I love all my boys with all my heart. They are everything to me.

This time around, I don’t want cry through the rest of my pregnancy. I just want to imagine that this is a little girl kicking in my belly. I want to buy little girl clothes and call her by her beautiful little girl name. (Which is also a secret.)

So I’ve decided to decorate the nursery for a little girl. I’m making a flower mobile. I’m sewing pink curtains. I’m painting the walls yellow and bringing in turquoise pillows. I’ll hang her pink little clothes in the closet along with my own baby dresses.

I know it’s a 50/50 chance. There’s a very good chance I might bring home a beautiful baby boy to our pink nursery. If I do, I know I’ll survive. I’ll love that little boy with all my heart. I might cry when I take down the pink decor. I might cry a lot. BUT, I’ll have gotten a chance to decorate for that little girl I desire so much. Right now, I need that. These pregnancy hormones are crazy and I just need to believe with all my heart that this baby is a beautiful little girl. Call me crazy. I might be, but I’m going own these crazy feelings and be honest about them.

I’m going to believe that this baby is a girl. It might be. I might bring her home to her pink nursery and still cry. I don’t know what the future holds. I know that whatever happens, God is good. When the doctor places our fourth little miracle into my arms, nothing will matter. I will be in love with that little baby so much my heart will feel like it will burst.

In the end it won’t matter if it’s a boy or a girl, just a healthy beautiful baby, but right now to me it does.